Abandoned
by Demons swim - Not drown
Summary: \\RusLiet [RussiaxLithuania]/ Toris has finally been freed from his 'tormentor' but can't seem to adjust to the new feeling of loneliness that comes with his freedom. He soon finds himself reflecting his relationship with his 'tormentor' one sleepless pain-filled night. ((This kinda sorta -mostly- shows the more abusive side of RusLiet... You have been warned.))


******Okay, I'm back!~ With a songfic this time! This fic kinda involves the more abusive sadistic side of my much loved Ivan. Not to mention the more abusive side of RusLiet. If your not really into that then please leave because I know for a fact a lot of people don't like Ivan or RusLiet like that. Anyways... CREDITS: Hetalia = Hidekaz Himaruya ((BLESS HIS SOUL FOR NYOTALIA AND HETAWEEN)) and Abandoned = Alexander Rybak ((Wow, what a babe))**

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_**Abandoned**_

_Sleepless in the night_

_I try to lose my faith in you_

_Saying to myself,_

_"You can't be the right one for me"_

Toris lay on his back, staring at the ceiling with great intensity. He just couldn't stop thinking. He had been free from Ivan for the past few weeks. He didn't understand why he felt a throbbing pain in his heart… Wait, yes he did! He loved Ivan, but he could never come to terms with this. In the past years of having to live with him he'd been abused mercilessly; he didn't want to believe that Ivan was his love.

Toris let out a sigh as he turned onto his right side, at this moment Ivan would usually come to his room and have his little fun. He wouldn't lie about the sex, it hurt him like hell; but he found great pleasure in the pain. I guess you could call him a masochist! Of course Toris had lots of pride and would never admit to that. Even when Eduard would tease him about it, he wouldn't budge about that fact.

_And now that you are gone_

_I finally get a taste of freedom_

_Only problem is:_

_I don't really want to be free_

Toris felt his throat constrict as his eyes began to burn. Slowly the tears slid down his cheeks and he let out light sobs. He wanted Ivan to be there, he didn't want to be free; he wanted to be held 'slave' by the large Russian. Oh how his brothers would react to his current state. Now, don't get him wrong, he enjoyed the freedom of being able to relax and do things on his own terms; especially the freedom of not feeling afraid and restrained. But the truth was that Toris kept repeating the same words as he sobbed:

"I don't want to be a free nation… Ivan, please."

_I don't wanna be abandoned_

_I don't want to curse your name_

_I don't wanna feel the sadness_

_Pretending that I'm still the same_

He continued to mumble those words but eventually stopped saying Ivan's name. Something inside him was telling him that by saying that name, he was disgracing the Russian; you know Toris didn't want that. Now his mind was racing with every event in of the past. He felt like somehow someone always left him. He didn't want to be alone, to be forgotten. First it was Feliks he cared so much about, his best friend with benefits, but even he left him once Ludwig flipped shit and lost his mind during both World Wars. Sure he had his brothers, but they weren't actually related, they could never have a strong forever lasting bond; they were _nations!_ They would fight, they would start war and kill each other's people, they would get power hungry. Toris knew they would leave him eventually. And now it was Ivan. Nothing had hurt him this much. The sadness was overwhelming and tears continued to flow down his cheeks. Toris sat up in bed, he knew he wouldn't be going back to sleep.

This had been happening to him since he left his Russian 'lover'. He would get no sleep and cry all night. His brothers would always notice the darkness under his eyes, the red-swelling of his eyes and the look of complete exhaustion on his face. They're conversations went like this:

"Umm, Toris, are you alright?" –Eduard

"I-I'm fine, just a nightmare" –Toris

"I haven't had a nightmare since we left Mr. Russia! I'm so happy!" –Raivis

"Have you been eating alright?" –Eduard

"I'm fine, I tell you this every morning!" –Toris

"You certainly don't look fine…" –Eduard

"…" –Toris

"You look all tired and thin and depressed…" –Raivis

"Oh, well I guess I've just been a bit under the weather is all." –Toris

Then that was it. Eduard would roll his eyes and sip his coffee, eventually continuing to type away on his laptop. Raivis would keep talking about how happy he was now. And Toris would smile half-heartedly and listen. Yes, he was glad his brothers cared; No, he didn't want them to care. He knew he was depressed; he hadn't been sleeping and eating. Yet he insisted he was fine. He hated faking and lying. He hated pretending he was the same person, the same happy person.

_I don't want to burn your letters_

_I don't want to face the truth_

_I don't wanna be abandoned_

_I don't wanna waste my youth_

Toris slowly got out of bed and got on one knee. He slid his hand under the bed and retrieved a small shoe box. His tears had slowly begun to calm as he opened the box. Letters, letters Ivan had sent him. From when he was at war, from whenever they were apart. Toris bit his bottom lip and stood up, slowing walking to the fireplace. The first letter hit the flames and immediately turned to ash. Toris' eyes widened and he tried desperately to retrieve the letter. No, he couldn't get rid of Ivan this easily, not yet at least. He sat back down in front of the fireplace and began to read through some of the letters. Toris was avoiding the truth, the reality. He would not be seeing Ivan soon; how he wanted to see that childish Russian. Words slowly began to leave his lips:

"Please don't leave me alone, I don't want to be abandoned…"

He knew he was wasting his time staying in the past, but what else could he truly due at this moment. Toris sighed; he remembered what Raivis had said to him:

"Why do you still think about that maniac? Or read his letters? You're wasting your time…"

No, he kept telling himself he wasn't. He knew he had to do this to at least keep a little bit of sanity. Plus Raivis was young; he had no idea what he was actually talking about.

_You tried to suffocate with your pretence_

_And I believed in this shallow romance_

_I ran for cover but I couldn't hide_

_And still you tried to get me to abide_

Toris closed his eyes and let his memories control his mind now. He remembered that time when Ivan had kept telling him that he loved him, that he wanted to be with him. Oh how much Ivan tried to force the idea of love into Toris' mind; and let's just say he pretty much had accomplished it! The real truth was that all Ivan wanted was the sadistic bliss, the sex; that's all Toris was to him, a toy to be played with… and play he did.

Toris was in the kitchen fixing dinner when he heard Ivan begin to yell at Raivis for being all spacey. There was a loud crash then Eduard ran into the kitchen.

"T-Toris, I suggest you run!"

Toris didn't hesitate. He knew Raivis probably told Ivan about something he did. Toris sprinted down the hall and into the basement. He searched for a hiding spot and finally decided to hide in the corner where the shadows were the darkest. The brunette held his breath as he heard the loud thud of a certain Russian's boots. Damn how he hoped Ivan wouldn't find him. Oh, how fate was not on his side at that moment. Toris was immediately dragged out of his hiding space and was slapped to the ground.

The Lithuanian man was covered in bruises, cuts and blood by the end of his beating. His breathing was shallow and almost sounded like asthmatic gasping. Ivan smiled and lifted the smaller males chin up. He wiped away some of the blood and tears with his gloved thumb.

"Oh Toris~ I really do love you… You know that."

"D-da…"

"You're perfect, you're a beautiful person. But don't ever mess up again, da? Or else you'll be punished again."  
"Da"  
"Я тебя люблю"

"….Я тебя люблю…."

Ivan placed a soft kiss on his lips and slowly stood up, leaving the basement. Toris lay there, thinking about how the love wasn't real. But Ivan always persisted, so he must've been telling the truth, right? Oh how I wish this was true, but see; fate is not fair, it has always been and always will be fucked up.

_You scratched me like a perfume ad_

_Erasing all the feelings that I had_

_And all the time you faked this loneliness_

_Cause you wouldn't see my twisted mess_

Now Toris was remembering the more explicit scenes of their relationship. It wasn't his first time with Ivan, and he finally felt like maybe he could change things up a little. He wanted to be more or less in charge. Boy, let me tell you, he sure as hell was. _He _was topping Ivan. The pleasure was intense and Toris couldn't help but let himself lose control. Ivan was a moaning mess, feeling no shame at his loudness. He began to scratch at Toris' back, digging his nails into the Lithuanian's scarred yet soft skin. Oh how Toris loved that moment. At that very moment every feeling he had was gone and was replaced with pleasure and bliss.

After all had been done, they laid snuggling together in bed. The long haired man remembered every single word spoken at that moment:

"Toris… Спасибо…"

"Hm, why?"  
"I'm always so alone… and you're always here for me. Спасибо."

"Y-you're welcome? Da… Your welcome."

"Don't leave me alone, promise me."

"I promise."

At that very moment Toris' mind was racing. His heart was beating at an intensely fast rate and he could feel tears forming in his eyes. Ivan was making him a mental mess. He no longer knew reality from lies. Fate… fate is cruel.

_I don't wanna be abandoned_

_I don't want to curse your name_

_I don't wanna feel the sadness_

_Pretending that I'm still the same_

Toris opened his eyes and let the memories slip away from his mind. He paced back and forward in the room for a couple minutes then sat on his bed. His head was pounding now. Pain, was that all he could feel? Tears still streamed down his flushed cheeks, his heart was still ripping in half and now he had a headache. The brunette couldn't believe how much sadness hurt, how sad he truly was. Now he knew more or less what Ivan would talk about when he said he didn't want to be alone (when he was telling the truth). Toris slowly felt fear creeping into his mind. This was now a fear. He didn't want to be alone and abandoned, no he couldn't.

"I-Ivan… please take me home" he whispered.

He sat and thought about what he could do, how could he somehow hear his love again. That's it! He'd call the Russian. He slowly dialed his number. The phone rang until he was finally greeted with a groggy irritated voice:

"Привет…"

"Привет… Ivan…"

"Da… what is it?"

Toris felt his mouth dry up and his palms began to sweat. He had to say it, he had to.

"Ivan, please…. Take me home with you…." He said hoarsely.

"…. Nyet …." Then the phone clicked off.

That was it. Ivan had just hung up on him. He really didn't love him. Toris was alone. He hated it. He gripped onto his phone as more tears rushed down his face, he sniffled a bit. Suddenly his phone began to ring. Oh how he wished it was Ivan calling back, finally deciding to take him home… But it wasn't the Russian who was calling.

"Sveiki…"

"Tervist Toris"

"Eduard?"

"I know you're having a hard night, you alright?"

"I'm fine, I had a nightmare."  
"Do you want me to come-"  
"No thank you. I'm okay, really."  
"Alright then Toris, have a good rest of the night."

"You too"

"Oh, and just remember to call me if you need anything."

"I'm alright. But thank you, Eduard."

There he was again. Lying, faking and pretending he was okay, pretending he was the same person as when he was with Ivan.

_I don't want to burn your letters_

_I don't want to face the truth_

_I don't wanna be abandoned_

_I don't wanna waste my youth_

Toris felt a surge of anger go through his body as he recollected that Ivan had rejected him. He grabbed the box of letters and walked to the fireplace once more. He didn't want to, he shouldn't burn the letters, but he had to. He tossed all the letters into the fire and cringed at the sight of the paper welting and turning a brownish black color. He sighed loudly and lay once more in his bed. His eyes were once again focused on the ceiling. The Lithuanian man slowly began to whisper:  
"This can't be happening… Why? What did I do? Is this really the truth?"

No, he didn't get a response. That's when he realized how dark the room was, how alone he was. He now knew the feeling of abandonment. Oh how he felt bad for all the children he had seen abandoned. The feeling was terrible and he hated it. He closed his eyes for a while, letting his mind race with many thoughts until finally he somehow was able to sleep after what seemed like an eternity for him.

Toris awoke feeling more or less rested, at least a lot more than he usually did. He made coffee for himself and his brother (orange juice for Raivis). He smiled and hummed happily, no, he wasn't going to waste his life on wanting to be with Ivan, he had decided that the night before. Toris had a life, a country. His people we're the most important thing to him and he wasn't going to let Ivan get him down.

"Wow! Good morning Toris!" Raivis shouted grabbing a cup of orange juice.

"Good morning Raivis!" Toris responded smiling brightly and messing Raivis' hair up.  
"Looks like someone slept well." Eduard said stretching slightly then grabbing a cup of coffee.

"Oh, I did, I think I'll be fine for now on!" Toris responded going through the fridge, looking for something to make for breakfast.

"That's really good Toris, I'm happy for you." Eduard said smiling.

"Hey, Toris, you finally let that psycho go, huh?"

"Ahhh, yes, I guess I did."

"Good, now you'll be okay… You're not wasting your life."  
"No, I'm not anymore. Thank you Raivis."

Raivis smiled and hugged the older man. Eduard smiled from afar. This was how he liked to see his brothers. They were Happy, enjoying life. Toris was okay now… He's okay….

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_**RUSSIAN:**_

_**Я тебя люблю = I love you**_

_**Спасибо = Thank you**_

_**Привет = Hello**_

_**Da = Yes**_

_**Nyet = No**_

_**LITHUANIAN:**_

_**Sveiki = Hello**_

_**ESTONIAN:**_

_**Tervist = Hello**_

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**Yo, I hope that was good... Ahh, I'm working with a new writing style now so It might me kinda iffy here. Please tell me what you think about it, flames are definetly accepted but please don't be so harsh on me. Oh, love is also accepted~! Spasibo!**


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